Love and Hate
by LyricsArePoetry
Summary: Song-fic-one-shot to Selena Gomez' 'The Way I Love You'. Sephy's thoughts on the fifth anniversary of Callum's death


**"It's much to do with hate but more with love"  
- Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare**

**Love and Hate  
Sephy's POV:**

_Everything__'__s cool, yeah, it__'__s all gonna be ok, yeah,  
__And I know maybe I__'__ll even laugh about it someday,  
but not today, no, __'__cause I don__'__t feel so good,  
I__'__m tangled up inside, my heart is on my sleeve  
tomorrow is a mystery to me_

Five years had passed to the day. Callum had died five years ago today. I've coped, in my own way, I'm all right, I'm… I'm fine. I still love him, I haven't moved on. I can see myself ever truly moving on. I love him, I love him with everything I am, I love him so much it scares me. I can't look at our daughter without seeing him. I love Callie for that and I hate Callie for that. It's not her fault, it never has been, it never will be. She's the one truly innocent one in all of this. But my heart still tells me that she lived and because of that Callum died.

_And it might be wonderful, and it might be magical  
It might be everything I__'__ve waited for, a miracle  
Oh but even if I fall in love again, with someone new,  
It can never be the way I loved you_

My mind wandered to Sonny for a moment. Sonny was fantastic, he reminded me of Callum in so many ways. I loved him for that and I hated him for it. He was sweet and caring like Callum. He was poetic like Callum. He had more confidence than Callum, he took less messing. When I saw Sonny with Callie Rose, I knew really I was seeing Callum. Sonny didn't look at all like Callum, Sonny has cropped blond hair and is somewhat muscle-y while Callum had light brown, longer hair. Sonny had bright eyes, while Callum's were grey and stormy. But seeing Sonny with mine and Callum's daughter I always see how it should be. It should be Callum but Sonny. Sonny isn't Callum and that's the only thing he ever did wrong.

_Letting you go, is making me feel so cold, yeah  
And I__'__ve been trying to make believe it doesn__'__t hurt  
but that makes it worse, yeah, see I__'__m a wreck inside,  
My tongue is tied and my whole body feels weak  
The future maybe all I really need_

I could admit to myself really easily that I need to move on. Deep in my heart and right at the front of my head I know I needed to move on. For so long I told myself and everyone else that I was fine, it was fine, everything was fine. Callum told me in that letter that he didn't love me, so what? Callum was dead, I could deal with that. No. I couldn't. I can't deal with either of them. I never knew which was worse, not having Callum here or not having the reassurance that he loved me and Callie. I think by now people think I am fine, that I am dealing with it, moving on, letting go, but I'm not. I never let go off Callum. I don't know how too, I'm too scared to. Callum was my everything, Callum was my one constant, my best friend, my one love. How do you let that go?

_And it might be wonderful, and it might be magical  
It might be everything I__'__ve waited for, a miracle  
Oh but even if I fall in love again, with someone new,  
It can never be the way I loved you_

What bothered me the most was how it didn't make sense. I still remembered the day of Callum's death like it had just happened. I still remember him dropping like a stone in front of my eyes. I still remember screaming to him, more frantic than I had ever been in my eyes. I screamed to tell him that I loved him, that I always would and that our child would too. I was sure, I was so sure that Callum said "I love you, _too_", but why would he tell me he loves me, as his last words, when he had told his prison guard to give me a letter telling me he had never loved me? Why would he do that? Which was the truth. I wanted to believe he loved me, I wanted to comfort myself with that belief, but I couldn't. Something inside me was believing the letter, something inside of me was stopping me from tearing it up or burning it and moving on. Something inside of me refused to move on. I'm stuck in limbo, no way forward and the past as constant haunting.

_Like a first love, my one and only true love  
wasn__'__t it written all over my face, yeah  
I loved you like you loved me  
like something pure and holy  
like something that can never be replaced,  
_

It was obvious me and Callum were condemned from the start. A real life Romeo and Juliet. Callum was truly my poetic, beautiful, loving Romeo. Romeo and Juliet couldn't bare to live without each other and because they couldn't be together both ended up dying. No one in the world would've ever been happy about me and Callum being together, our families were dead-set against us even being friends, the world is determined to keep noughts and Crosses well and truly separate and in the end that's why Callum died. Because he dared to be with me. Because he tried to fight for what was right. Because his emotions ran too deep.

_And it was wonderful, it was magical  
It was everything I waited for, a miracle  
and I should ever fall in love again, with someone new  
oh, it can never be the way, no it will never be the way  
I loved you_

I don't know if he ever knew or understood how I felt about him. If I could've I would've done anything to save his life, but there was nothing I could do. I knew that he would never have forgiven me if I'd killed Callie. He wouldn't have wanted to live knowing that it was because his baby had been killed. I did what I thought was best. Everyday of my life I wished he was still here; he was Callum McGregor I loved him for that. And I hated him for it.


End file.
